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Photo by Artem Maltsev on Unsplash

Kids say the funniest things

Kids are hilarious. Anyone who has spent a significant amount of time with them knows they have a talent for coming out with the strangest things. As a teacher, I hear weird and wonderful things on an almost daily basis. Here are some of the most memorable utterances from students I have taught over the last five years.

· Miss, when we leave the EU, is the country going to move?

This was from a GCSE Geography student. As was this…

· How can Worcester be polluted when there are ducks?

And this…

· Japan is in Russia, right?

· YEAR 8 GIRL: So a chicken is a type of bird, Miss?

ME: Er…yes. What did you think it was?

YEAR 8 Girl: I dunno, Miss, just an animal.

· Miss, do foxes lay eggs?

I don’t even know what to do with that one. I’ve got nothing.

· YEAR 8 GIRL: Miss, do you have kids?

ME: No.

YEAR 8 GIRL: Yes, you do.

Er…no. I would definitely know if I had made another human.

· ME: A fixed joint is one that doesn’t allow any movement. Examples include the joints in the top of your skull.

YEAR 7 BOY: That’s not true, Miss, I can move mine. Watch.

ME [after watching his attempt to prove me wrong]: Those are your eyebrows.

· YEAR 8 GIRL: Miss, you know how rainbows are made by God? Some people are saying it’s actually to do with LGBT.

ME: Well, the LGBT community uses the rainbow as their flag to represent all the different sexualities and gender identities that exist.

[Girl looks confused but doesn’t question it.]

ME: You know rainbows are actually caused by light refracting through water droplets when it rains.

YEAR 8 GIRL [in a deadpan voice while looking me dead in the face]: No, they’re not.

Well, that told me.

· YEAR 8 BOY: Miss, do you watch Love Island?

ME: No.

YEAR 8 BOY: Miss, do you watch Ackley Bridge?

ME: No.

YEAR 8 BOY: Miss, what do you watch?

ME: I like crime dramas like Silent Witness, that kind of thing.

YEAR 8 BOY: That’s dead, Miss.

· During a PSHE lesson on puberty:

YEAR 7 GIRL: Miss, why do we have to learn about what happens to boys?

ME: Because you share the world with boys. Because you’ll probably go on to have male partners or possibly male children and you need to understand what happens to their bodies as well as your own.

Could you imagine if we didn’t teach them that? If we told them nothing about the changes boys go through and just let it be a lovely surprise? I can’t imagine they’d thank us for it.

· During a PHSE lesson on drugs:

ME: Heroin is a very strong painkiller. They sometimes use it to help relieve pain in patients with terminal cancer.

YEAR 7 BOY: How can cancer be painful?

I proceed to explain to him what cancer is and what it does to the body.

YEAR 7 BOY: Just take some Paracetamol.

Oh yeah, just pop a couple of Paracetamol, have a lie down. You’ll be right as rain. I appreciate that a twelve-year-old may not understand what cancer is, but Paracetamol? Really?

· ME: Inherited genes are passed down from your parents.

YEAR 7 BOY: I don’t wear second-hand clothes.

My best friend is convinced this one was deliberate and he actually knew perfectly well what I meant. Having taught him for a year, I can guarantee he did not.

· If you’re friends with a colleague of the opposite sex, the kids cannot handle it. They will assume you are going out.

YEAR 9 BOY: Miss, are you and Mr Smith* going out?

ME [laughing despite trying not to]: No, we’re just friends.

YEAR 9 BOY: You get the bus together, don’t you?

ME: Yes, because we both live in Birmingham.

YEAR 9 BOY: Is that how it started, Miss? Did your hands touch on the grab rail?

I’ll admit, this one cracked me up, although I don’t think said child has a career as a writer of romance novels.

So there we have it. I’m sure there are more, but these are the ones that immediately spring to mind. I’m sure in five years’ time I’ll have enough for another list. I can only imagine what will be on that one.

Written by

Lauren Phillips is a language teacher and writer with a deep love of words in all their forms. She uses writing to help her process her own tangled thoughts.

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